John Krasinski Totally Doesn’t Not Want to Date a Non-Normal Girl!

And the ladies sigh, and they rejoice. According to a recent interview with renowned lady-rag Glamour, The Office’s John Krasinki will date you if you wear a sweater.

Well, sort of. Maybe. Actually, probably not. Because, sadly, that’s not *quite* what he said. But, judging by the lip-nibbling pandemic that seems to have gripped the nation in the wake of the Declaration of Non-Threatening Sexuality Heard Round the World, wishful thinking can have a surprisingly profound effect on reading comprehension. Let’s break down the exchange in question, shall we? To wit:

GLAMOUR: Would you ever date a normal
girl like Pam? A girl in a cardigan?

JOHN: Yes, Please! It’s not about celebrity or not.
It’s all about, do you have that *girl in a cardigan*
in you. You gotta have that.

Oooh, you’re sneaky! Personally, Jim-John, I like that, and may or may not be nibbling my own lip as I type. You see people, in the journey of John’s true heart, it’s not about celebrity. As someone soundly entrenched in non-celebrity myself, I can appreciate that. Plus, according to everything we’ve leaned about actresses and the like from ET, US Weekly, VH1, InTouch, Okay, Hello, Access Hollywood, and thinking with our brains, it just makes good sense. But wait. Get ready for your mind to be blown! Because, apparently, as much as it’s not about celebrity for good ol’ Johnny K, it’s also NOT NOT about celebrity as well. Whoa! What does that even mean, you ask? Honestly, I don’t think anyone can say. Such is the wily syntax of Mr. Krasinski. But let’s forge ahead and examine further:

Beyond not and not not celebrities, what John really claims to be searching for is a woman with a girl in a cardigan inside of her. Now, I know what you’re thinking. I own cardigans! From Anthopologie! I am totally normal, and a little shy, and maybe not hot but definitely cute in a shy, normal way, as evidenced by my sweater-wearing ways! Apparently, you’re not alone. But – and I hate to be the one to do this – notice the actual placement of the sweater. Or the girl in the sweater. Or whatever. Because herein lies the true brilliance of John Krasinski’s almost come-on to the world. The girl who ultimately wins John’s undying love may have a sweater on the inside, but what, pray tell, of the outside? If I had to bet money, I’d say she’s gonna have a whole *girl with the cheekbones and very, very, very long legs* thing going on. I mean, ultimately, who’s to say Jessica Alba doesn’t have an inner twin-set of her very own? Or that Mischa Barton doesn’t, in fact, possess the soul of a kindly receptionist? Logic dictates that they don’t, but nobody can prove it.

And there you have it: how John Krasinski mindfucked the ladies into thinking he *might* wanna do them, while simultaneously maintaining totes plausible deniability. Bravo, Jim. Bravo, indeed. As for everyone else, well, you can put that change jar to some other use. Cause you’re probably not going to need a dress for the Emmy’s.